Sunday, May 06, 2007

I finally am writing about the last few weeks after a bit of a blog silence. We have been busy as always with work, baby, and life but along with that we found out that we were expecting again. We actually found out the Friday before Easter. There were some mixed emotions about having another baby because for one, we are still getting used to the first baby! I also wasn't sure about how my body could handle another pregnancy so soon after my first experience. I had just resolved to work one more day a week and try to earn a little more money and Chris has been looking into a couple of different job options. So finding out that another baby was on the way was a surprise. We were planning on trying for a baby when Anders turned one so we weren't too far off from our goal.
Last Wednesday was my first pre-natal appointment and I was glad to be going because I had had a little spotting and I was worried. The doctor said that it probably was nothing to worry about and did the exam. We didn't do the ultrasound because we didn't have our insurance yet and the procedure would have been expensive. It did concern me that we wouldn't get to see what was happening but I figured that we would find out eventually.
For some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and by Friday I was really concerned. I had started cramping a little and the spotting continued and was a little worse. So, around 4:00pm I took Anders over to Grammy and Pa Pa's (my grandparents) along with a few diapers, pj's and a bottle and dropped him off. Chris was working in Burbank which is about 45 min away without traffic. I called him and he started out to meet me at the ER. When I got there I checked in and they took some blood and alot of information and sent me back out to the waiting room to wait for a room to open up. I ended up waiting for a good two hours and thankfully Chris showed up somewhere in there. By the time I was shown to a room I was having full blown contractions and was VERY uncomfortable. I never did go through labor with Anders because he was so early and we had a c-section. So this was quite new. Of course Chris was extremely supportive and surprisingly helpful and I was sooo grateful to have him there. The nurse came in an tried to give me an IV but couldn't get a vein so he brought in another nurse to help. Eventually after a few failed attempts they found what they were looking for. Within a half an hour my body did what it was trying to do and I miscarried. Immediately my contractions stopped and despite the sadness of the loss I felt much better physically. After lots of waiting around I was wheeled up to the ultrasound room to see if I would need any more procedures. We were blessed to not have any complications and I was able to be sent home at around one in the morning.
The thing that surprised both Chris and I was our broad range of emotions. We were sad, yet also a bit relieved. I don't think my body was ready to carry another pregnancy yet and for some reason I knew that and had been worried from the moment I found out about the baby. There was a sense of rest in the fact that we weren't in control of the situation. It is difficult to process a loss and we are trying to talk about it as we need to. We have a good support system around us and we are really grateful for each person that has already been so kind and understanding.
We are looking forward to eventually trying for another little one but probably not until Anders is a tad more self-sufficient!


David Cho said...

Oh my..

As you say, a very wide range of emotions you must have felt - sadness and relief at the same time.

Yes, every baby needs at least one sibling.

Friar Tuck said...

I am sad for you. God Bless.