Here is a link to a web site that I read almost every day. I really enjoy Heather Armstrong's descriptions about mothering, life and her experience growing up as a Mormon. She is witty, crass, brutally honest, and best of all hilarious. The reason that I linked to this particular post is because I have been thinking about parenting lately and the internal guilt inducing pressures that come with the job. The pressure to do the right mothering/fathering activities to LOVE the whole process of mothering and to live up to the ideal that we had before we had kids.
Now that I've had a chance to have a child and to look around at other parents and families, I am WAY less judgemental of various styles of raising kids. Before I had Anders I had lots of opinions about raising children. I knew what I would do and what I wouldn't do. I still have an idea about what I want my life to somewhat look like but I am alot less certain about the process of getting there. I'm slightly defensive about criticism of my parenting abilities because I'm just learning how to do it. And unless I ask for the advice or it comes from someone whom I really respect I don't want to hear it.
On Sunday, I took Anders to Target. We were just getting over the stomach flu so we didn't do the long drive to church with Chris. Instead we slept in and had a slow enjoyable morning. Around lunch time we made the trek to Target and while we were there we sat down to have some lunch. I had brought a cereal bar for Anders and I broke it up into pieces on his stroller tray. As we were sitting there a lady walks by and in a very overly concerned tone says "You aren't giving him popcorn are you???!!!!" I was really annoyed so I responded "of course not but if I was it would be MY choice!" I normally would have just shrugged it off and not cared but I had just come out of one of the hardest weeks of parenting yet and I was feeling very sensitive about my role as a mother. I'm still perturbed at that lady!
Needless to say, when my kids are grown and I have a big opinion about how I think someone should deal with their child, I will keep it to myself!
For more interesting thoughts on child rearing here is another link to Ariana's latest blog.
5 comments:
OOh, I know just that busybody mother-advising type! They make me crazy, and I'm glad you were a little more bold in your response to her-- I'm still trying to work up the courage. People are so rude and obnoxious sometimes, feeling like it's their job to monitor and criticize the new moms they see in the grocery store!!! I could give you quite a list of unhelpful observations and suggestions, but I'll hold back. I do have to say, though, that a lot of people had the nerve to ask me how old my baby was and then tell me that she seemed too small, sometimes in a rather accusing tone. AAAAAH!
I would love to see that link you mentioned!
I had a zillion opinions on how one should raise children before I had any (I babysat a lot), and even though I probably appeared confident, felt I knew less the longer I was a mother. By that I mean that the longer I was a mother, the more I could see that there were different ways to go about 'training up a child in the way he should go' if wisdom and godly character were the desired result, for the benefit of the child.
I really appreciate the love and struggles you young mothers are going through now, and know that your love and prayer for your kids and ernest desire to do the best for them, in spite of various bumbles and set-backs tha that always come, will bear good fruit! And that fruit will be in you as well as in your kids!
I love dooce and I am not a parent.
Gretchen!
After you just said it bugs you when people give unsolicited advice, I am now going to offer some...
Don't analyze your performance as a mother while you're exhausted and/or stressed. In fact, it's best to avoid thinking at all when you're tired!! Usually, you're too drained to be thinking clearly.
Your "grade" as a mother is made up of many assignments(moments)over the years then averaged together!
When Anders grows up, you want him to look back at his childhood and think "MY MOTHER REALLY LOVED ME!" - not "My mother was perfect.!
You are doing a fabulous job as a mother! Cut yourself some slack girlfriend!!
There's nothing like cold hard life to change our opinions...I was comforted by something I heard one time-- Adam and Eve had the perfect parent, and they still rebelled. I realized that while my children are somewhat shaped by us, they are still unique individuals who make their own choices. That took some of the weight off me. The seriousness of parenting is the suffocating thing that makes it hard to enjoy parenting. It's kind of easy to get caught in a vicious cycle of self-judgement and worry. The other thing that always helps me when I start to worry is that our Heavenly Father is my children's Heavenly Father too, and he's a better parent than we could ever be. He can directly communicate and teach my children when I trust Him to; especially in areas where I have no idea how to solve the problem, or what to do. Thanks for sharing!
Post a Comment